Voices In The Noise – Part 1

I’ve been receiving a lot of emails for Viagra lately, and I noticed that they have unusual subject lines, like “Re: hierarchy doggo”, et cetera.

It seemed to me that these could not possibly be actual ads for Viagra, mainly because I’m a poor target market. I mean to say that, for whatever reason, I have never purchased Viagra, nor Cialis, and have no imminent intent to. Therefore, the messages must have an alternate meaning.

I mean, look at them:

Re: As put no antelope haywire It begin be humidor handicap Re: was reply an detective harebell by learn by magnanimous Of worry a czech alienist Re: That break as intermittent With ask as meanderings Re: override fadeout Is turnon so tucker Re: That reply be swath chablis Be run as outlaw Not dance it unzip maidservant

Re: so understand my vaulting Are ask in performance analyst Re: Be take a velvet gondola by cough it more And have as marshy meddle Re: At write an esoteric parsi Re: parallelism conflict mangelwurzel flipper Is sit the phalanx technological Re: dermatitis toxicology Re: extensile priest As cancel it apprehension stud

Obviously a code of some sort.

I noticed that many of them have “Re:” in the subject line, which occurs so often that it must be some sort of punctuation, like “full stop” on a telegram. And that means the aggregate series of Viagra email subject lines must be a single encrypted message.

Armed with this knowledge, I going to eode it….Spille some anta on my keyboard. heck bak here later for the results.

Voices In The Noise – Part 2

The keyboard was a write-off – way to much sugary syrup between the keys. Got a sweet, new one. Had some success with the decode though…

Re: As put no antelope haywire/It begin be humidor handicap

This is the opening line, the address. The main clue is the word “begin” which appears nowhere else in the message. I know it’s addressed to me, as I am not into sports (“no antelope”), have certain idiosyncrasies (“haywire”) and am a non-smoker (“humidor handicap”). I translate the line thus:

To the unathletic unusual/ non-smoker, greetings (literally, “It begin”, or “here’s the start of the message”, but for the purposes of easy reading, “greetings” will do. You have to understand these people’s way of speaking.)

Re: was reply an detective harebell/by learn by magnanimous/Of worry a czech alienist

This being the second sentence in the message, I take it to be the identity of the sender (as in “to Steve, from Bill”), and thus is critical to understanding later content.

I had a bit of a problem with “harebell”, which turns out to be another name for “bluebell”; Britain’s national flower. The bluebell is closely related to the hyacinth, which is remarkable for its role in Greek mythology. Hyacinths sprang from the blood of Prince Hyacinthus as he died, and the letters “AIAI” (Greek for “alas”) were inscribed on the petals, where, presumably, they can be seen today. The bluebell (hiacinthoides non-scripta), is like the hyacinth, except that it doesn’t have “alas” in Greek letters on the petals, hence the “non-scripta” in its taxonomy. I attribute this “silent alas” to British stoicism.

With that bit of information, we can proceed with the decoding:

The stoic, grieving Briton (“harebell”) has detected/ that you are a courageous, intelligent individual (“learn by magnanimous”)/…

I’ll interrupt the translation here. Not only does this confirm me as the intended recipient (an unathletic, unusual, non-smoking, courageous, intelligent individual; who else could it be?), but it also clearly identifies the sender as Prince Charles, whose stoicism after the death of Diana was noted in the international press. It is good to know that, despite his British stiff upper lip, he still silently mourns her. Also, “harebell” seems right for Charles, somehow.

Wow, Charles contacting me directly? This seems a bit far-fetched but I’ve discovered once you go down the rabbithole, you can’t close doors on ANY possibilities. It could be him, or could be one of his staff but either way, this is big stuff.

Obviously and somewhat distressingly, the third phrase indicates that I’ve ticked off some expatriate Slavs.

Anyways, I need a snack….

Voices in The Noise – Part 3

OK, so I’ve gotten a little further with the decode…

Re: That break as intermittent/With ask as meanderings

The problem with this stanza is that “break” has 28 meanings, according to Dictionary.com. There are a few that seem right in this context, however;

11. To force one’s way out of; escape from: break jail.

13a) To find an opening or flaw in: They couldn’t break my alibi.

13b) To find the solution or key to; uncover the basic elements and arrangement of: break a code; break a spy ring.

14.  To make known, as news: break a story.

20. To weaken or destroy, as in spirit or health; overwhelm with adversity: “For a hero loves the world till it breaks him” (William Butler Yeats).

21.  To cause the ruin or failure of (an enterprise, for example): Indiscretion broke both marriage and career.

22. To reduce in rank; demote.

When you add the word “intermittent”, you can eliminate some of the possibilities; it is impossible to have an intermittent jailbreak, for instance. This means either definition 13 b) or 20 must be the real meaning. A rotating cipher could be intermittently broken, and a person could be intermittently overwhelmed.

The first word in the first phrase, “that”, is key, referring to the “Czech Alienist” in the previous stanza. So I take this line as meaning:

[the Czech] has been periodically demoralized / and his questions have been diverted.

Which is good news for me, as presumably he’s angry with me, but can’t find me. Prince Charles or at least a powerful, stoic Briton has got my back. However:

Re: override fadeout/Is turnon so tucker

“Override fadeout” clearly means that, although the Prince has been protecting me so far, his ability to do so is diminishing. A frightening scenario.

Enough writing for now, pizza time. Fear makes me hungry.

Voices in the Noise – Part 4

The next phrase, “is turnon so tucker” is one of the most difficult in the entire message. At first I thought it might mean Charles was becoming impotent; his turnons were tuckering him out. But that didn’t seem to make sense. Why would he think it necessary for me to know that? It’s especially unusual since it’s the heading for a Viagra ad.

Next, I thought it might have something to do with Puritan women’s wear (a tucker is a sort of bib or lace piece worn on the neck and shoulders). Again, it seemed unlikely. And how could that possibly be a turnon?

A tucker is also a sewing machine attachment. Worse and worse.

Finally, I found that Sophie Tucker was a famous burlesque star around the turn of the century. She was the Mae West of her day, known as “the last of the red hot mamas”. One of her most famous quotations was, “I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor; rich is better.”

Clearly, Prince Charles is offering me money. Why? I think that will become clear in a moment.

Re: That reply be swath chablis/Be run as outlaw/Not dance it unzip maidservant

The second two parts of the stanza are obvious; I must go on the lam, and not hang around in clubs womanizing. But what does the first phrase really mean? What is “swath chablis”? Time for Google.

Swath is a path, and can be taken metaphorically as personal or political influence, as in “he cut a great swath in public life”. I don’t see much room for misinterpretation here. “Chablis” on the other hand…

It turns out that not only is Chablis a town in France where wine is made, but also refers (contemptuously) to cheap knock-offs (as in California Chablis). So, “Chablis” can be taken as a derogative. Thus:

Our responses [to the Czech] are having poor influence (“swath chablis”) /Fly for your life/and don’t mess around!

Hence the need for money.

Re: so understand my vaulting/Are ask in performance analyst

“Vaulting” can mean the arched ceiling of a cathedral, leaping (as in pole-vaulting), or over-reaching (his vaulting ambition). Clearly;

Please forgive me for asking so much/ we’ll be bringing in a handler to watch over you.

Re: Be take a velvet gondola /by cough it more/And have as marshy meddle

Originally, I thought they were sending me to Venice. But a gondola also refers to the basket under a hot-air balloon or dirigible. “Cough” is slang for confessing or disclosing. So:

We’ll fly you first class/ you’ll be required to send frequent reports/ and get involved in foreign affairs without leaving footprints.

This last is a clear reference to spying. The British royalty wants to send me on a secret mission somewhere, and apparently money is no object.

This is making me a bit dizzy and as flattering as it may be, I’m not really comfortable being anywhere but my cozy apartment. I know a jet-setting, globe-hopping existence a la James Bond is appealing to many, but it’s not to me. Maybe Nomad would be into it. Not me.

Voices in the Noise – Part 5

I’ve given some thought and if I’m needed, I must answer the call. I’ve completed deciphering the messages…

Re: At write an esoteric parsi

My contact will be an undercover Zoroastrian priest.

Re: parallelism conflict/mangelwurzel flipper/Is sit the phalanx technological

“Parallelism conflict” must refer to some kind of impending war. “The phalanx technological” is obviously something like the Q division, suppliers of gadgets and equipment. But “mangelwurzel flipper” had me completely baffled.

mangelwurzel            n 1: beet with a large yellowish root; grown chiefly as cattle feed. 2: cultivated as feed for livestock

It could mean a broker who resells farming supplies (cattle-feed flipper), but that seemed out of context. Finally it occurred to me, if I switch the first two phrases:

You must reverse the causes feeding /the impending war/ our tech branch will be there to help you.

Re: dermatitis toxicology

I’d heard about the existence of a poison that killed on touch. I didn’t believe it until now. Apparently, I’m being given double-0 status.

Re: extensile priest/As cancel it apprehension stud /Your mailbox quota has been exceeded

Extensile priest? Possibly a liberal theologian.

But as this is at the close of the message, I think this is more likely a sign-off (like “this message will self-destruct”). So it’s probably more like:

We’re reaching out to you for help/ Don’t be frightened, you’re the manliest of men/ End of message.

Evidently, Prince Charles and the British government want me to fly off somewhere to infiltrate a foreign government, using all the resources they have at their disposal, and assassinate some evil politician in order to stop a war. What’s more, my life is in immediate danger from an enemy Czech defector, so I must leave immediately.

I sent my reply to Buckingham Palace:

rapport peculiarly idealism / export personal masculinity / which fly imminent .

But I haven’t heard back from them.